Note: Angsty post. Parts in miniscule writing are deemed as being too negative for young minds such as yourself. Read at your own risk; if you end up deranged like me, you have only yourself to blame.

I am grateful to my friends, eternally. I owe you a debt that can never be repaid in this lifetime. You may have never realised it, but you've helped me...so thank you.

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It's the weekend and instead of studying, I'm online. Again. Everyday.

I think I totally do not deserve to be in RP, considering how repugnantly lazy I am. Everyone is putting in effort...except me. Everyone understands WTBMFH the chinese teacher is saying...except me. Everyone has their own groups and friends and people to walk along with during the interludes between lessons..except me.

Last year I had my friends and HM as a safety net, a protective blanket from myself and my destructive thoughts. Last year I wasn't as depressed, even though I embraced the darkness and appreciated its beauty. Last year I wasn't afraid of strangers. Last year I was more true to myself. Last year, even though I still kept secrets and scars under my perfectly maintained facade, I was able to let my friends in and fill the empty spaces of my heart.

They say that to feel pain from the heart is scientifically impossible (unless you're having a cardiac arrest). And being a perfectly healthy individual, I highly doubt that I have cardiac arrests. What is this twinge in the heart I feel in my solitude and loneliness? What is this foreign mercury lump in place of my heart? I know it's htere, keeping my alive, keeping my blood pumping through my veins, but I can't feel it. I feel empty. Dead.

I'm surrounded by people but am unable to open my heart.

I am possibly the most blunt and direct person you've ever met on this face of the Earth, yet I have secrets. Secrets you can't imagine me harbouring. A past you'd never associate with me (NO, not drugs and getting pregnant and stuff, you nincompoops)! I am honest with my feelings and psychological state of mind, I can even tell you I'm going insane, but you'll never know what I am thinking. You see my emotions on my face, but not my thoughts, no-one can tell me precisely what I am, because I am an enigma. I am an anomalty. No one knows who I truly am.

I don't know why, but when I arrived late at the parade square for the morning assembly, the HM clique (HT, Weiqi and the gang) surrounded me with their smiles and laughter. I don't know why, but suddenly the tears were welling up, and I cried. In the crowd, in front of my classmates, in front of teachers with their curious, prying eyes, in front of a cohort of 400 students or more, and leaned towards a hug. Why are you so attentive and sharp towards minute detail? No-one noticed I was crying, or the onset of imminient tears, but you did.

I'm sliding into depression. Not clinical depression or major depression where I'll go attempt suicide, but depression nonetheless. A less severe form, and I know, because I've done the research. The loss of joy in doing what you enjoy (sometimes). The empty feelings, as if you're going through the motions. The constant bleakness of emotions. The difficulty of being happy. The weariness of having to force a smile and pretend to be happy. I've mastered the art of perfecting my smiles to deceive people (Not so effective with tears, but without, no one can tell).

How tiresome it is, to have to constantly pretend to be somehting you're not! To be normal! To smile and pretend to be carefree! To be approchable and pretend as if the scars were nothing but digital modifications that can be cleansed with a tap of the 'delete' button!

I still enjoy my manga and lit very much, but other than that, it's nothing. I'm left alone. One thing I really dislike about people is how they smile and speak insincere words, and when you really need them, they disappear into their bustling little lives. Everyone is selfish, and no one really cares about their friends. If you tell me that even under duress you will never betray your friend, I will laugh in your face and tell you about you silly, idealistic notions. Because I am a bitter, cynical person who can't love, can't trust, a half-decomposed shell of a human, and therefore no one will get near me.

Yes, I think emotional posts are completely...off. Especially if you know what the writer is feeling is just a tenth -nay, a twentieth- of what you've experienced! I am a negative influence and I will depress you, so if you want to be mentally healthy, stay away. Because some things aren't meant to be. I am a freak accident in making, a deluded fallen angel who had been exposed to the darker side of humans and doomed to wallow in the dust of their footsteps.

Some things aren't what they appear to be.