I just realised something.

As I read through all the poems I've written (majority of which were when I was a pretentious lady at sec 1) I've just realised how...innocent and childish they were.

Okay, now you ask me, what I was doing reading those?

I was preparing my portfolio in advance for CAP since we'd need to hand it in in by the end of January. Last year, I was too stupid to know that the portfolio is NOT a random compilation of works, rather, it shows a progression, an order. Humans love order so much, they must see a pattern somewhere.

Anyway, back to what I was saying.

I've realised how dark my pieces have been lately. Instead of getting better and dealing with my depression, have I gotten worse? Maybe it's because with company of friends I just come to feel how lonely it is to be alone. It's not a fear of being alone, it's a fear of what I may do when I'm alone, what I will become and how I will react. I'm afraid I'll go insane without people watching me and covering my back. My thoughts and paranoia will disturb and bug me in the moments when I'm alone, rather like a psychological disorder, and I'm scared.

So maybe that's why my pieces have been darker lately. Thye always tell you to reflect in life, but don't reflect too much, because thinking too much might be adverse and you'll come to feel how wickedly cruel the world is.

I had decided on a theme for my portfolio (unlike last year, it was a complete fiasco, no wonder I didn't get chosen) and given it some form of order. I now realise I seriously, desperately need some happy pieces in my gallery to balance the portfolio. Yes, my so-called 'specialty' is focusing on exploring the darkest sides within us, but I think I've neglected the light.

My theme is 'humanity'. What does it mean to be human? I've got a foreword prepared and everything (except for the artwork...do I get it displayed like Songs of Innocence?) and now I have a grand total of five pieces picked out from my allery of 40+ pieces. Pathetic, I know. How can my friends read those self-obssessed drivel and say it's good? I'm ashamed of (some of them!). Some of the poetry was just downright odd. There was no meter or rhythm, and it felt...weird. Not like how good poetry should feel, good poetry should connect with the soul, bad poetry is pretentious and full of descriptives and words and half-completed thoughts.

Surprisingly, I found 'Insecure' okay, even though the rhythm was weird, and yadda yadda english lit terms I know my audience is not interested in. I liked the spirit and childhood positiveness within it, even if you look carefully, the choice of words seem to contradict each other...But I really felt it was similar to the passage in 3A Higher Chinese textbook, 梦痕. The feeling was right down pat...it's not exactly positive and sunshine and flowers, but it's factual, like the child knows that childhood is coming to an end and he/she wants to treasure it as much as possible, even as a memory, although the innocence and natural psychological protection a child has is being slowly diseased by the world.

I really pick too mature topics...-.-

However the transition was rather bumpy, I felt. Right now, the order is as follows (Note that the text beside the title of the piece are my thoughts on the theme):

#1: Insecure
-Childhood, loss of innocence, insercurity, fear of future, anticipation.

#2: Waiting : Young/teen love, Sweetness/innocence of first love, self-doubt, man’s effect on man, patience/adoration in love, trust, Hope/fear for the future.

(Proposed transition: Curiosity, descendsion into darkness, lust)

(Proposed piece after transtition, Mistress of Seduction)

#3:The Other end of Mirrors: Maturity, self image, hurt, mutilation, flaws, perception “Your preperator isn’t what you think it is…it’s you.’

(Proposed insertion of Happy theme?)(on a sidenote, better not, so that the person will sound more bitter/cynical, as is the tone of the next piece)

#4: Cry in the rain: Hurt/comfort, coming to terms with the world, acceptance, HUMANITY, flaws.

#5: Complication
-Humanity, man’s inhumanity to man, the characteristics of man, self-destruction, hope, salvation, change.

(Proposed another happy, somewhat tame, calm piece)

#6: Passing (tentative)
Death, tranquility

You see? It's bumpy! From a foreword to childhood-adolescent stage, then a lovestruck teen with first love and whatever crap, then suddenly she sprouts into a person suffering from some weird disorder! Then she undergoes a depression stage, followed by acceptance, a re-rendition of human faults, and then acceptance and determination for change, then she dies!

I think the period between the second and third act is just weird. There's no transition at all! No transition pieces!!! RAWR!

I feel so sorry for my poor characters. Sorry, characters! You know I love you! Come here, lemme give y'all a hug -snuggles-

*Audience give o.0 look*

There should be some happiness in the book to balance it out! I don't want my children (ahem, sorry, I think of the characters I create as 'children'...weird yeah I know) to have miserable lives!

Damn. I need 3 more works. MUSE, ARE YOU LISTENING?!

And yes, there is a reason for posting this up. I need feedback. ASAP. And don't steal my theme or I will kill you, and I will do it slowly but painfully (more ways to now, after the research on the Spanish Inquistition).

Oh yeah, I'm thinking of changing the name of a piece, namely mistress of seduction, to something more...factual. Like, 'whore'. It does not glamorise anything.Ah! What about 'lady of the evening'? It's an english slang for prostitue! Very appropriate and honest! Fits the image too...with women all wanting rich men, literally whoring themselves to slave over a man just to get his fortune.

'Streetwalker' is also appropraite, almost ironic: A woman, obviously poorer/desiring wealth, has to walk streets to 'sink claws' into numerous guys to get them to part with their money...

Possibilities.