How much do I adore thee?

Of course, the subject isn't going to respond as it knows how besotted I am with it. So besotted I'm willing to suffer 9 subjects just to get my hands on it. So lovelorn I am, I would even go to 3 Grace just to study it. Hopelessly and irrevocably in love with it, I would stay up to unearthly hours to scribble observations or note down things Muse whispers in my ear.

I swear it's smiling smugly at me now. But we get to learn Midsummer's Night Dream next year!!!! YAY! I can't wait to read it!

Well, that's one subject I'm looking forward to studying. Other than English and Biology (difficult but interesting). Social Studies too. The rest?

Chinese can go to hell as far as I'm concerned. I bet I'll be the only strange ang moh singaporean in RP next year who can't form a coherent sentence in Chinese.

WHY IS NONE OF MY FRIENDS IN RESPECT?!!! ARRGHHH!

Going to the best class does have its disadvantage. I have the whole holidays to zuo4 xin1 li3 zhun3 bei4 and prepare to be the outcast next year.

Before you tell me that I'm being disparaging and hopelessly negative towards myself, I'll tell you that when alone, my mind shivers and mutters alliterations to my name. One good alliteration is 'cynical'. Cynical Chanel. It fits my personality and my insecurity like clingwrap.

Just call me a cynic. I'm a cynic of life, a cynic of people, propably paronoid, and I could have a personality disorder.

When I saw my name on the name list, I went, 'Oh My God'. Just surprise, then blankness. It's like I just went, oh, okay, I'm in RP. Big deal. No joy, no celebration, no scheming.

I'll begin my next year in a class full of strangers and smart people with good Chinese. I'll set the new record in that class for the person with the worst chinese. My command of English is proably average. The sciences? I hold no hope.

And then, when the predictable results slide starts its onset, I'll probably be at the bottom of the class. Heck, I'll be lucky if I can even be in the top 20. 22nd in class would be an acheivement. Maintaining my class position (from HM to RP) would be a godsend, and a bloody miracle.

Besides cursing the whole school with black magick and voodoo, there's nothing I can do except prepare early and study harder. Yes, I'll be in a more challenging environment, and I can improve myself greatly.

2 years never seemed so long.

Thank you, Harmony for giving me the best 2 years of my secondary school life. I'll miss you even more when I enter my new class. Thank you God for blessing me with nice people who are the antithesis to my cynical self and preventing me for sliding irreversibly into the darkness, and care for me. I love you guys.

What an emotional and melodramatic post. I hope I can fit into my new class next year.

Then what of my writings and prose? Will they cease into roadblocks and streetsigns, just there to be shown, and never much remarked about? Will they be tucked into the crevices of my smile and the bend of my fingers as I write an essay, never to be written and brought to life? What of my characters, who reside as still dolls, lifeless, prone, and still as a germinating seed? Will they be given a chance to grow, or will they be killed by me?

I don't want to think.

Now is really a troubled time for me. My family has run into some sort of difficulties due to the stupid financial market which slides down like ill-fitting trousers, and money that can be used to resolved the matter is rolling of said trousers due to its holey pockets. I just hope that by having paid advertisments on my blog, I can write (do what I love) and earn money. Hopefully I can get some CMC ads soon. Any ads, as long as they bring me some sort of income.

Except immoral ventues. I cannot risk tainting myself. Even if I don't really value my soul in exchange for pursuits and ambition, my loved ones do. And that's all that matters.