That's it.

In 28 hours my fate will be sealed. This is the turning point: Whether I will go into law or healthcare in the future.

Now I see classmates stressing about their subject combinations. I suppose I should feel anxious, but for me, it's the calm before the storm.

I've decided that I will go for 9 subject combi as my first choice. Nevermind the Geography elective and my vows to drop it after suffering through this year. It buys me more time to analyse the direction I'm heading and my strengths, as well as my weaknesses.

My six choices:

1) 9S3H2E
2) 8S3H1G
3)8S2PH2GE
4)8S2PH2HE
5)8S3H1H
6) Flip the coin and pick one that does not have C lit because I will die in that combi.

You notice that my second choice does not have English literature.

I decided that I have to stick with whichever is most practical for my future, nevermind if I don't like it. It's the best option so far, with good chances of parrying with like-minded classmates and expanding my ambition. Even if I have to kiss goodbye to my lawyer ambition.

You know, if there's one thing more saddening than not living up to your goal, it's not being able to live up to your ambition. Knowing you have the means to succeed it yet helplessly watching it being torn by pride and the cruel claws of life. It's accepted that Sciences are the way to go, the acceptance into jobs. Heck, people even determine one's intellectual capacity by the number of science courses you take.

I really don't know. I'm stuck between English lit and Science. Between obscurity and pure ambition and pride. Between passion and the rules society determines.

Shall I put the lit combination first? What am I risking? I know the lit combination is not exactly full of eminent people, and I know that it is not so popular, as well as being thought of as a safety net. Either way I don't get to enjoy my passions. I'm either stuck with a bunch of people who adhere to theories without asking why and unwilling to delve between lines of the implied and the shown, or with a bunch of people who think longingly of the subject combination they'd rather be in, not wanting to put in any effort because they believe that they are in the worst class.

What am I really seeking? Besides, intelligence does nto necesarily determine our success in life. Sure, we get top-notch jibs in a competitive market, which is rather pointless in the first place. Now, it's not the question of jintelligence, it's the question of how well-rounded you are. They expect an alien, a complete mirage of perfection to appear before their eyes. Compassionate, intelligent, and possibly beautiful. Are they looking for a human version of God?

I really tired of life right now. I hate the sruggling to find ourselves and the visions of reality. I hate the materialistic tenddencies and the climb to the top. I hate the clawing and back-stabbing I know I will have to do in the near future to remain at the top.

It's ture you know: Chinese drama series do represent some part of reality. No matter how screwed-up they are, it does represent our lives. Are you, by any chance, related to someone sick and dying in the hospital now? Is there anyone in your family shattered by love? Dramas are a representation of who we are, our emotions and perspectives as well as our ambition. Our need to exaggerate and tell long tales so we'll be remembered. Our instinct to survive.

The little things we've been through: The Minor PSLE, now followed by streaming. It's getting harder to fly without injuring your wings. What would it be like in society? I don't want to know. I don't want to spend days worrying about taxes and income, as well as profits and debts. I don't want my emotions to fluctuate with the stock market. I don't want to worry about my job and the world. I don't want ot be tied down with a chain at my neck like a slaughtered chicken with a family. I don't want other wretched humans to come near me, yet I need them in order to survive.

The ecology theory thus comes into play: No organism is ever independent. The organisms in a community live interdependently on one another.

It's the survival of the fittest: Animalistic, almost bestial. We claim to have souls which differentiates us from animals, but at the end of the day I believe them souls to be nothing but empty whispers and smoke from the ashes. We can't look out for one another all the time. If you think otherwise, my dear naive child, you are in a bed of roses. People are more likely to scatter and harm each other in order to survive, and I believe that it is our survival instinct that will lead all of us to perish one day. In times of desperation, there are no morals. We see what we do as perfecly justified, the hypocrites we are, who condemn a person for stealing and kidnapping to feed themselves and their family when we are living in good times.

A million years of evolution, and we are the same. Animals.