I swear I have the powers of premonition sometimes.

The day before the English Literature paper, for no reason, I started memorizing facts and details about Owen's Anthem to Doomed Youth. I even looked up the original (Italian, I think) version. I focused mostly on that poem.

I didn't expect it to come out for the exam. Lucky, right?

Then there's history. I had (luckily) gone through the entire textbook the day before, even though I dismissed it as being overly cautious then.

I really didn't expect the MCQ. (Or the abysmal marks for the paper in general. F you Xiaochen score 50 marks, HOW DARE YOU.)

Then there's this prediction about marks during science. Before the science debrief, I was leaning with my chest on the desk-thingy attached to the uncomfortable chairs at the lecture hall, I closed my eyes and the number '60' appeared behind my eyelids.

I paid no heed to it, as I did really well for my Biology paper.

My physics paper came as a sobering experience and shock, for I found that paper the easiest of the lot (and apparently, the easiest to fail if not careful).

Then my chem paper arrived. It was a consecutive number next to my Physics paper, and in ascending order.

I added up the total.

It was really 60+.

At that time, I didn't really react. You see, I am quite calm when this type of things happen. I continue behaving normally. I was quite prepared to cry. And then I suddenly remembered that to get into two pure sciences, the addition of your Math and Sciences marks must add up to 140 (I mistakenly thought it was 150, and asked ZhiQi, and due to my hearing problem, I nearly had a cardiac arrest when I thought I heard 175 to get into triple science).

My face paled. I felt a headache coming back.

I was berating myself for scoring so badly even though I had begun preparation for Science a month before. Then I thought, there is actually no difference to missing the pass by one mark and missing an A1 by one mark. The degree of self-blame and frustration is the same. The sadness and blow to ego is the same. Especially if you are those proud people who hold themselves to high standards. I consider it unfortunate that I am one of those people.

To those who chastise me:

You won't understand my phsycology.

Yes, I am an open person and my emotions are often written on my face. But no one really knows who I am. I hold myself to high standards and expect myself to meet them. The word 'failure' is not associated with me, and is not acceptable. I do not fail in endeavours. Perhaps this is why I am impatient for results.

I go doubly hard on myself than you all do. There's blame and self-hate, as well as guilt. I'm dancing a dance with insanity, I know I am, and it will take very little for me to be pushed off the brink of balance and for me to plunge down, deep down. I am afflicted with paranoia and narcissism, I am also a little bipolar. Yes, bipolar. The mental disease that affects your emotions and those around you, the disorder where you can both feel happy and sad at the same time, moodswings and all.

I have dreams I sight but never touch, I have nightmares I stumble upon when I was young. Falling off heights, being trapped in a lift. Being chased by an unknown destructive force, full of metal appendages glinting in the sunlight and the crushed skulls of people its armour. I see people I like and know being tortured in my dreams. Friends commiting suicide, their tear-filled faces as they struggle away from me. The apocalypse, where selfishness in people, as well as a need to survive, leads to extinction among the whole species.

No, I am not about to go in a spiel of sel-pity. Because I am stronger than that. And pity is a weakness. Emotion is a weakness, and can be manipulated. I have to harden myself to survive, and work harder.

I wrote 'Cry-in-the-rain' like a premonition, as if I somehow knew what was coming. I am not a prophet. I suppose my writer's sense, my artist, my inner voice just tells me so.

I hope the destruction and anger portrayed in my writin will never come through.

This is one of my brighter pieces of hope. Written during the exams. I know of people who need it more than I do. Please read, and be comforted.

http://linxinpei.deviantart.com/art/Cry-in-the-rain-vignettes-99768068