Sigh.
It's near the end of march.
The start of cherry-blossom viewing in Japan, and the withering of my soul's flower.
I guess I've known it all along. That it has been an unattainable dream, and I am not allowed to get in contact with it.
I failed the year before to get in the school I wanted. Now I failed to get what I want.
I've waited patiently for that day to come, the day my application will be posted to me. I waited till the end.
Is this what I get at the end? Happiness, anticipation, anxiety : All of it to end in a twist of sorrow.
I've worked so hard then, slaving away at rhyming. Only to FINALLY find the website and realise that the criteria was:
Sense of form
Precision with language
Truthfulness of feeling
Originality of thought and imagination
Sensitivity to the world at large
It came too late.
Form was gone, stripped to its barest skeleton. Sensivity to the world at large? Can they at least show me a wee bit of sensivity and give me a rejection letter instead of leading me on and allowing me to hope? Truthfulness of feeling? How truthful are they? All along I've heard that the governemnt is very honest and caring about its people. Isn't this too cruel? Not even giving me a sign that they've heard and read my works?
And what about mmy friends? I pretty much wear everything on my sleeve (or personal message, stating that I am in the corner of woe and not to disturb) and they could CARE FRIGGIN' LESS AND ASK ME ABOUT WHAT BLOODY COLOUR IS THE MATH FILE.
I'm feeling bad enough as it is, don't burden me further ok?! I'm not someone you simply ask what the homework is then ignore me! I'm not a robot, I have emotions too! So STOP being a temerarious creature and LEAVE ME ALONE to my quietus!
Oh, yeah, I'm drowning in my own grave of self pity. So leave me be. Like I've said before, maybe I don't have any friends at all, because they mysteriously disappear when I need them.
At most, I'll pull through life myself. It's just a one-time thing.
Don't pretend to like my because you pity me. I hate pity. I detst it, and will NOT be pitied. I'd rather be an outcast driven to point of suicide then be pitied and not know anything.
Everything came too late.
Smile bitter linger upon my lips.
