Yes, I am a person of pride. I'll lie straight through my teeth to save face.

Do you know those moments where you are cruising along innocently, wanting to tag people and you read people's tagboards out of curiosity?

Ok, I admit that I'm probably the only one who bothers to do that. I just find it interesting--the event's of a person's life, her thoughts/feelings, her friends, etc., etc. It is like a life movie played out before my eyes---in a world where I will always remain as an interested viewer, never allowed to participate.

Yeah, I just realised how empty my life is.

I'm proud, but come to think of it, what's there to be proud of? I'm top 10 in class academically, 85th position in level, and the top 10% of 2006 PSLE cohort. I'm not frivolous or vapid---I hate shopping, and pink. I'm not drop dead gorgeous or even remotely pretty, in fact, I'm more on the tom boyish side. I don't have a lady's demeanor, but I have an English vocabulary that would put my classmates to shame (but that's nothing, they will soon catch up), I write poems, but they aren't good. I don't have a wide circle of friends, and am not 'popular'.

All I'd ever wanted to be was to graduate with flying colours,then go to law school, get a certificate, then be a distinguished lawyer.

But what next after I've accomplished all this? What happens when I am old and have to retire? What happens to my social life?

I've just realised I don't really like people that much, and tend to mistrust them at first. (They say, keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer.) Sure, I look like an interactive person who will show off just to get that little amount of attention. I may seem open and rude, direct. But I just have this fear that, if I let anybody too close, I might destroy them, or even destroy myself. It's getting easier to be someone I am not.

I'm egotistic, only corncerned with my welfare. How else to survive in this corrupted world? I'm not even sure whether I have the strength to continue being a catholic--I'm undergoing confirmation.

I'm not the elite. Even others, having a better PSLE score than me are having great social lives. It is me against the world out there--and I'm fighting a losing battle.

Some of you have never experienced the true feeling of being left out. You claim to be sad, sometimes trespassing into the 'emo' section of life--but the way I see it, you still have people there for you.

Great. Now I am whining like a helpless kid. It will be nice if I am emotionless, then I won't be able to feel the cruelty of people. I won't even care about prostitues being smuggled from other countires, then being murdered by her customers. Nothing will be a challenge for be until death.

I don't like people. Maybe you can say I am a misanthrope. But I think I am actually quite scared of people, and what they might do to me.

I am just a pawn in life, a chess game played by others. I am the lone feather being swept along in the sea, helpless to the current's whims and wants. I understand, I will never ever triumph.

Because, sometimes, by having no hope at all, you won't be dissappointed. By not trusting, you'll never get hurt.